How to Say Goodbye

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

 
Crawaly
2004 - December 16, 2013
 
I'm extremely sad and heart broken to report that my baby girl, Crawaly, was put to sleep last night. As prepared as we tried to be for this, I am still in shock and disbelief that she's gone. I find myself looking down at my feet wondering why I'm not tripping over her.

My last post was Friday, after a very long Thursday night with her, we rushed her back to the vet Friday morning and she spent the weekend there. The vet's office was closed on Sunday, but the vet went in several times to give her medication, feed her through the feeding tube and phone us with updates. We received good news, and then a few hours later there would be bad news.. it was very stressful and I have never felt so many highs and lows in one weekend.

Monday, we were told that she couldn't come home - that a lot of the medication she was receiving was through the IV and that wasn't an option. So, we could continue to pay $300 a day/night for her to stay there and see what happens, or we could have her euthanized. I had a feeling she was going to pull through, and after much discussion, we decided we would visit her on my lunch hour and if we noticed any improvement at all, we would give her a couple more days.

When we stopped at lunch, she sat right up and seemed much more active - purring and rolling around.. So, regardless of the financial burden, we said we would keep her there another day or two and see what happens. The vet recommended having another chest x-ray done because she had developed a bit of a cough. We told them to go ahead, and I went back to work, waiting for the phone call.

They didn't find anything in the x-ray that would be the cause of the cough, so they ran another blood test to see if her levels had improved at all. She called me back at work within 30 minutes with the bad news - her levels were much, much worse. Her liver was not responding and she was shutting down. They believed at this point the cough was caused by dangerously low levels of potassium. They advised her only chance was a blood transfusion, but even that, might not work or could make her feel better for only 24 hours.. They were convinced now that it was terminal. 

I decided in that moment, that she had enough done to her and it was time to let her go. I called Barry and caught him just before he walked into work, thankfully he came back and picked me up. I was so scared that I would have to do this alone, and I couldn't not be with my baby girl when she passed, no matter how hard it was for me.

They let us take her into the quiet room to have some time with her and it was then I noticed how much worse it was. The downward spiral she took in the few hours since we had last seen her were shocking.. she was struggling to breath by this point and looked ready to go. I held her, calmed her, told her she was a brave, good girl and that it was going to be okay. We were so worried that she was going to pass in my arms before we got the veterinarian back in the room to perform the procedure.

I have had a lot of tough days in my life, but this is right up there.
 

I know to most people she is just a cat, but to me, and to us, she was so much more than that. She has been with me for almost 10 years. I still remember the night she came to the apartment window as a tiny kitten meowing, hungry and wet from the rain. I scooped her up and haven't let her go since. We had a special bond, and she didn't take too well to a lot of people. She was picky with her humans, and I couldn't leave a room without her following behind me! I will miss that, and it will be a long time before I stop looking behind me, or in front of me, when I walk around our home.

She was a sweetheart with an old soul and will be truly, truly missed.

I know in my heart that we tried as much as we could, and that she fought as hard as she could. It was just her time, but it doesn't mend my heart or make me miss her any less.
 
 
 

21 comments:

  1. I'm heartbroken for you. She's a beautiful, beautiful baby and she looks like she loved you just as much as you loved her. She'll always be with you, she's just in less pain now. Thinking of you <3

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Cats truly are family! Thinking of you!

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  3. I have that lump in my throat just reading this. My cat is my baby so I feel for you.

    You'll be in my thoughts. xx

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to lose a pet. What a terrible time to lose a loved one. =.(

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  5. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Cats and all pets are more than just 'pets' - they are a part of your family. Take comfort in the fact that she had a great life and she got to go to sleep for the last time with you. I bet you gave her an amazing life!

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  6. My heart is broken for you. I've never had a cat, but I've always had dogs. They're never just pets, are they? They're family. Be comforted in that you know you did everything you possibly could for her - I think she knows, too. Happy thoughts and happy juju being sent your way!

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  7. oh my goodness, so so so sorry for you and your loss! I never understood people getting upset over the loss of pets until I've had my own and I know how very real the love and bond is. hang in there and i'll be thinking of you!

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  8. Shedding a tear or two for you and Crawly ( and the other munchkin you still have at home who will be lonely for a while)

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  9. Oh gosh, this made me bawl. I'm so sorry Tara :( I can only imagine how hard that is. We had a goldendoodle that passed suddenly at 13 yo of cancer this year. We don't realize how difficult that might be until it happens. My baby cats Enah and Myla are my hub's and my kids right now - I don't even like to think about this happening. Prayers for you friend! XO

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  10. I'm so, so, so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say that will come close to soothing you, as words cannot heal heartbreak, only time can. Just know that you and Crawaly are in my thoughts. ♥

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  11. Oh Tara, I am so sorry! I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I like to think she's in a better place now, with all of the sunny windowsills and catnip that she can dream of. Hugs!
    - Rachel @ With Love, Rachel

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  12. Reading this post made me cry so much. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard it is to talk about it so soon. Thank you for sharing this personal story and all of her pictures with us. She's so beautiful.

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. Losing a pet is very very hard. It is the same as losing a family member, because they are family.

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  14. This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry to read this. I'm thinking of you.
    xox

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  15. Awh :( I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts!

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  16. I am a new follower, but I felt compelled to comment on this post. I am so, so, so, so sorry for your loss.

    Just a few weeks before I graduated college in 2009, I lost my sweet, sweet Rascal. I had hand-picked him from a neighborhood litter of kittens when his eyes were still closed and then I clutch his fur as his closed them for the last time. It was the most emotional experience that really can never be explained…

    What I found most difficult was the common perception that losing a cat was somehow not akin to losing a dog. People would say things like, "I'm so sorry, but on the bright side, it's not like he was your dog." The cruelness of those type of statements stayed with me for awhile… I hope you haven't heard them, but if you have, know this --

    Those people have not yet experienced the gift of a cat's love. They don't understand that a cat chooses its person and to be that person is the highest of all honors. They don't grasp how special and unique those animals are and how deep the love is that runs between them and their people.

    My heart breaks for you tonight my new friend. I am truly, truly, truly sorry.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  17. So sorry! I couldn't even read this whole post.

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  18. I am so so sorry about your poor little kitty. It's always so hard to lose a pet. They are definitely family and not just an animal. :(

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  19. I just read your beautiful tribute to your cat who passed on 12/16. I too have a cat and have had cats in the past and dogs that I have had to have euthanized. I believe there are many more people on this earth that believe their pets are family than don't. I hate that some people believe pets are disposable and if they are in the way or not "convenient" they give them up to a shelter. The poor confused pets. But I loved reading about your cat. You were one of the good people. Another kitty somewhere out there who is without a loving home would be very lucky if you were to make them part of your family.

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  20. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. My husband and I have a cat that is 12 and he is our little baby. I have never had a pet before because my mom is allergic to cats and dogs. I know I will be a wreck. At least you know that your kitty baby is out of pain. My thoughts are with you.

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